People Are Unappealing by Sara Barron

Author:Sara Barron [Barron, Sara]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-307-41002-3
Publisher: Crown Publishing Group
Published: 2009-02-08T00:00:00+00:00

11

coyote really is ugly

In the early ‘00s, Maggie got herself a boyfriend named Neil, whom she'd met in college; they'd bonded over a shared interest in puppetry and veganism. I liked Neil well enough, primarily because he had a third nipple that protruded so dramatically from his chest that he had to wear a Band-Aid to restrain it. And whenever he got drunk, he'd do this routine of ripping it off to mime pumping it for milk. Passing the hours in a dive bar watching a drunk man yank his pseudo-udder tickled my funny bone and fast became my favorite pastime. So when Maggie called to invite me to his twenty-fifth birthday party, I couldn't help but get excited.

“Will he milk the third nipple?” I asked. “Do you think he'll get drunk enough?”

“Yes,” she said, and sighed. “I do. He told me that he wants to have the party at Coyote Ugly.”

Coyote Ugly is a well-known New York bar, distinctive from the others in the city because of its unique bartending staff: They're all female, they're all clad in cowboy hats, and they all dance on the bar in addition to the usual tending duties, e.g. opening beer, pouring vodka, charging patrons, etc. These young women perform both choreographed routines as well as free-form, improvised grinds. I'd seen them in action, and the way it works, basically, is that one girl is put in charge of getting drinks while the other squats on the bar shoving her crotch toward the customers until her thighs burn too much to keep going. When this happens, they encourage the female patrons to get on the bar to dance along with them. A daunting task, but one with sweet rewards, as the random Janes who agree receive free shots and a lesbian kiss for the sole purpose of titillating male patrons. Others are encouraged to take off their brassieres, sign them with a Sharpie (“This bar rocks my WORLD! xoxo Jen!”), then hang them from the rafters. This way they can shake their chests with greater abandon and/or find joy in returning to Coyote Ugly months or years later to find their very own push-up/wonder something hanging lifeless but immortalized among the hundred others. As a business venture Coyote Ugly has been wonderfully successful, inspiring in recent years a full-length feature film and a reality TV show on Country Music Television. Offshoots of the New York original have opened in twelve other U.S. cities, including Denver, Fort Lauderdale, and Las Vegas, and these outposts sell T-shirts, hats, and thongs, all of which say COYOTE UGLY. And people buy them. And I know this because I see bedecked tourists everywhere, and the experience always depresses me more than doing stand-up comedy.

Prior to Neil's birthday party, I'd only been to Coyote Ugly once as a college freshman and I hadn't enjoyed myself much. I'd been forced to pay a cover charge, and for what? To watch other women get attention? Please. There's no need to spend

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